Talking About Stuff, with Mike and Christiana

I have an idea.

Did everybody see the Southpark movie? If not, I recommend it as an excellent,(and hilarious) piece of social satire, but I ask because of a scene in that film where an excitable young cuss by the name of Eric Cartman is implanted with his own personal V-chip.

You know about V-chips, right? Those little devices that they put in TV's that 98% of the population never does anything with? Well, in the hands of someone who makes a little bit of effort, it allows parents to block television programs that they don't want their kids to see. I've heard a lot of complaints that tech-savvy kids will figure out how to get around it, but frankly, any parents who can't keep a four-digit code secret from their kids have already passed on far more damage through their genes than the kids will receive from watching The OC or wardrobe malfunctions at the Superbowl.

But back to Southpark. Cartman's V-chip works a little differently. It is implanted under the skin and whenever he utters a profanity, he is given an electric shock.

I propose that all politicians be implanted with a P-chip, and that whenever they propose a stupid law or regulation, they will suffer for it. And none of this "won't be re-elected" stuff, because let's be honest, people's memories for this sort of thing last about as long as the average commercial break. So politicians are proposing all sorts of idiotic things with impunity!

Like this senator who is proposing that indecency standards be extended to cable TV.

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) told a group of broadcasters yesterday that he wants to extend that authority to cover the hundreds of cable and satellite television and radio channels that operate outside of the government's control. In addition to basic cable channels such as ESPN, Discovery and MTV, that would include premium channels such as HBO and Showtime and the two satellite radio services, XM and Sirius.

"We put restrictions on the over-the-air signals," Stevens said after his address to the National Association of Broadcasters, according to news reports confirmed by his staff. "I think we can put restrictions on cable itself. At least I intend to do my best to push that."

Under my system, immediately following that statement, he would have screamed and dropped, twitching, to the floor, his hair all standing out straight.

Or when members of the Homeland Security Department and the INS suggest that non-citizens living in the US be required to wear electronic tracking ankle-bracelets. They're already doing it for all immigrants appealing their asylum cases, whether they have been convicted of a crime or not. Listen to the story here. Now for those people, the bracelet might be preferable to being detained, but when the officials start talking about expanding the program to "every non-citizen applying to stay", in the US, that's truly insane. Just another example of the 'one-size-fits-all' approach that the government so often brings to bear in complex issues.

Under my system, these officials would have been given an entirely new perspective on having to carry electronic devices.

Now, of course, the P-chip plan has a couple of hurdles to overcome. First, how do we pay for it? Well that's actually quite simple. CSPAN will pay the entire cost. Think about it. Congressional debates where anyone who says something stupid is given a painful electric shock? Their ratings will skyrocket.

Another issue is one of standards. Who decides which ideas are stupid and which are not? Eventually, the technology may advance to the point where brain monitors can actually determine if an idea is poorly-thought-out or disingenuous before it is ever verbalized, but frankly, I'm not willing to wait that long.

In the meantime, we will have to appoint someone to be the arbiter of which ideas are stupid and which are legitimate. In the absence of any other qualified nominees, I volunteer myself. It will be a lot of work, but that's just the sort of self-sacrificing person I am.